Monday, August 15, 2016

For you Mommy

I write this for you mommy.

Mommy of a baby in heaven.

Because if you're anything like me, like I was 5 years ago, it's 2a.m. and you're searching for hope. Searching for answers, for direction, for the "and then what." You have so many questions, if you're anything like me.

I wanted to hear from other women, other women who had lost a child and walked this road with faith. I found a few, who shared their journey of their days and months of their first year beautifully and were so raw but as time marched on they each fell away, leaving questions of my broken heart unanswered.

So here I return for you, Mommy, of a baby in heaven. Here were my questions when I was you, and here are the answers that 5 years have brought me.

Will it ever get better?
     It will, but more than your circumstance will change YOU will change. I pray your faith will grow, Jesus will show you his promise that His plans for you are good and you will believe that with your whole heart.

Will having another baby fix my pain?
      I had two overwhelming feelings in my heart. One was a tremendous amount of grief for the son that we lost and the second was my incredible desire to have a baby. To carry a living, kicking, growing baby in my womb that would cry, that I could nurse and bring home to sleep on my chest. The incredible blessing of having another child filled the second of my emotions, not my broken heart for Lucas.

Time.
    Time marched on ready or not. In those beginning months I never looked at 9:40am on the clock without thinking of his birth, his song couldn't play on the radio without me sobbing and I looked at every 25th of the month with sadness and remembrance of being that much further away from his memory.
    Years pass ready or not, and though memories of his life and especially birth have not faded one bit, the occurrence that they overwhelm me with emotion, with sadness are fewer. I can say that there are days, maybe even weeks that I don't even think of him. It hurts me to write those words but it's the truth of time, of busyness, of life.

I pray for you Mommy, of a baby in heaven, I pray you find your answers in Jesus, and healing comes from his words. Amen.

Love,
Lucas's Mommy Lyndsey