Thursday, April 12, 2012


Oh help the poor person who needs to use our restroom and is looking for some reading material to pass the time.

Amongst the Parents magazines and Supercross Souvenir Editions are these Newsletters.

In the days after Lucas death and our empty handed homecoming I spent hours up at night scouring the Internet for women who have been through this. Women who have suffered such losses and went through it with faith.

I came across this organization of support groups entitled M.E.N.D. I was disappointed to see they were based out of Texas and had no meeting even in the state but signed up for their newsletter. It is filled with stories of other subscribers and their journey.

There is even a Birthday Tribute section. What a sad thought, but what a reality it is. Just yesterday did I get the chance to send in our own birthday tribute for Lucas. What may seem so awful, so foreign to some, brings me a little bit of joy. There is a place for him, worth noting, worth publishing, along with all the other babies lost.

Each newsletter focuses on a different topic. They have covered how others have celebrated their child's birthday each year, and others journey's to adoption after losses. I say losses because one of the biggest things you notice when reading about other families is that the majority have experienced more than one loss.

Just wanted to share one of the resources I am so very grateful for.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Almost a year..

Gosh how the time is flying and I can feel my heart beat faster as I think about your first birthday. I just keep seeing your feet. Your precious feet on those streets of gold. Your precious feet taking their first steps. I pray the moment I enter into Heaven my memory is filled with all the 'moments' I've missed with you. The sound of your baby giggles and the images of you toddling, arms open wide & the look of amazement on your face that you've done it.

It's just a day, a day that means more to me here on Earth than it surely does you. You are happier than this world can comprehend but how can I not think about how things would have been.. had you gotten the chance to stay.

The first year, we've nearly survived it. I constantly remember dates as they're passing. The day we found out we were pregnant, that you were a boy, and the Easter basket made just for you. I sat on my parents lawn big pregnant with you, the sun was warm and your sisters hunted down all the brightly colored eggs. I was just so happy to have you with me Lucas.

Lucas Egg
Buckley Five

Rylee (left) Raegan (right)

 Easter basket for Lucas

A year has brought so many changes, time is trying to wash away so much. Many days I look at Danny and say "it happened, we really did have a son."

I went back to work. And oh what a step. Images of you, images that you wouldn't always choose to be left with filled my mind as I walked in and out of rooms you once were in... It happened, we really did have a son.

And like so many things over the past year, the anticipation is so much worse than the actual moment.. but only by the grace of God and answered prayers can we see the light of hope with each new day