Thursday, August 23, 2012


I don't even want to say it, that word 'fear'. It doesn't deserve a place here, a place in my life, a place in my heart, what a waste it is.

But what a temptation it is. A temptation to be fearful, paralyzingly fearful.

It was just months after Lucas died that we were sitting in a Sunday service at church. The scripture of the sermon was one I had memorized over 10 years prior.

1 Corinthians 10:13
   No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Fear is a temptation and God will provide a way out from it.. through Him.

It wants to paralyze me, it wants to rob me of the blessings of each moment and each day to come. I can feel it hunting me at times, trying to consume me and fill my mind with the nightmares we have lived through.

Fear does not glorify God.


We had the most beautiful day. We saw one of the most beautiful children who's heart has ever beated and that child is ours.

It was so obvious the ultrasound tech tried to hide HIS little parts on the screen. But there HE was for us to see, and to hear those words "it's a boy!" felt like a dream.

We giggled and laughed and cried then repeated.. We had lunch in celebration and spread his beautiful pictures out all over the table as we sat together.

We went and bought those impractical little things that just said BOY. What a moment Lord, what a blessing, and you gave them to us.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Buckley SIX!!

I have dreamed about writing these words for nearly a year, and now no words perfect enough come to mind. But here goes..

We are PREGNANT!!!

We are PREGNANT with ONE beautiful blessing, there is one beautiful heart beating in my womb and what an incredible (exhausting & nauseous) joyful feeling it is.

A package "arrived" on the porch to tell Danny of our GREAT news.

                              A very surprised Papa                                               A very excited Mama

So then, how do you tell everyone else???

Well we were just packing up to head to our favorite of places, the Sequoias. And what better way than to catch the announcement in a picture. All of the kids knew already but look at my Mom, Dad & Sister-in-law!

Isn't that fun?? We sure thought so!

I have to ask you.. Will you please pray?? Pray for a healthy baby, a baby that comes home to us. Oh if you could hear Raegan and Rylee's sweet prayers for this baby.

Matthew 18:19-20

“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Friday, May 25, 2012

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Lucas!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, your Sissy's sent up your cupcakes and we decorated your balloons.

The day didn't go as I had envisioned, it was freezing and the wind had gusts up to 40mph, but really how should a day like this go anyway.

I am very thankful however that we got to be together as a family here on earth as we celebrated and remembered you.

Your birthday announcement came the week prior. I opened it and there your name was with so many others and I cried. I cried like I hadn't in so many months, like I did in those first days and weeks. It reminded me of how real this all was and all still is.

There is a place for you here, in so many of our hearts.

I am so thankful to all of you who joined in a Random Act of Kindness in Lucas honor and thank you to all who took the extra time to share with us in your gift.

  • Countless homeless received breakfast and coffee
  • Unsuspecting families had their meals paid for in the drive thru with a note attached
  • Others had meals bought and delivered to their homes
  • Many desserts and pastries were made and given joyfully
  • Complete strangers learned of your little life and took a moment to say how moved they were by your story
  • Toys were donated to children @ a learning center
  • Some even gave the gift of forgiveness
  • A donation was made in your honor to our favorite of places, Sequoias National Park, the place we spread your ashes
  • A star was named after you as well
My mom shared with me the story of her day on May 25th, she awoke with you in mind Lucas and prayed that God would show her who needed to receive the act of kindness. As she sat at a red light, she noticed the car in front of her had this as their license plate. Thank you Mom for chasing the car down to get a pic.

Monday, May 14, 2012

You're Invited

Oh how I wish I was mailing out invitations. Invitations to a birthday I had planned for months. What kind of cupcakes, what would the theme be, imagining that smashed birthday cake picture, with frosting all over his face and a big 4 tooth grin behind it.

It is still a moment to celebrate, a day to remember, just in such a different way.

Would you help me that day, May 25th? Help us remember our Lucas? Help us bring a smile to this Earth?

I saw this idea about 6 months ago and wanted to use it. Along with eating Lucas' favorites.. Double Doubles at In-n-out of course.. I want to do a Random Act of Kindness. Spread a little joy, ya know?

Buy the person behind you their coffee at Starbucks, load someones groceries into their trunk, mow your neighbors lawn, what ideas do you have??

You could even print & attach this adorable little card, you know I will.

In memory of our Lucas Michael, would you send me a little note if you decide to participate? A quick email telling me of your super kind act? I'd love to write it down in his journal, all this world did to remember him and pass on a smile.

Thank you for loving us and our sweet son so much.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

It's May

It hurts that the Calendar even says that.. May

I find myself replaying the days leading up to Lucas' death and birth

The pain I felt when he flipped in my belly.. Looking back I wonder 'was that it, did his heart stop then?'

I can still feel the warmth of the sun as I drank my coffee and watched the girls play in the sand. Come on Lucas, move..  please move

We sat in silence as we drove to the hospital. Quieted by the fear of what we were about to find out

It all spirals from there, memories too painful to dwell on. Such emotions wrapped with physical pain burned every detail into my brain. The colors, the sounds, the smells, all there like it was yesterday.

It's May

We couldn't even bring ourselves to turn the calendar to this month. It sat there for days left on April like we weren't ready. We would flip ahead to see a date or a bill then turn it back. I still don't know if I'm ready.. but here we are.

May 25th.. Would you please pray when you think of us

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Oh help the poor person who needs to use our restroom and is looking for some reading material to pass the time.

Amongst the Parents magazines and Supercross Souvenir Editions are these Newsletters.

In the days after Lucas death and our empty handed homecoming I spent hours up at night scouring the Internet for women who have been through this. Women who have suffered such losses and went through it with faith.

I came across this organization of support groups entitled M.E.N.D. I was disappointed to see they were based out of Texas and had no meeting even in the state but signed up for their newsletter. It is filled with stories of other subscribers and their journey.

There is even a Birthday Tribute section. What a sad thought, but what a reality it is. Just yesterday did I get the chance to send in our own birthday tribute for Lucas. What may seem so awful, so foreign to some, brings me a little bit of joy. There is a place for him, worth noting, worth publishing, along with all the other babies lost.

Each newsletter focuses on a different topic. They have covered how others have celebrated their child's birthday each year, and others journey's to adoption after losses. I say losses because one of the biggest things you notice when reading about other families is that the majority have experienced more than one loss.

Just wanted to share one of the resources I am so very grateful for.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Almost a year..

Gosh how the time is flying and I can feel my heart beat faster as I think about your first birthday. I just keep seeing your feet. Your precious feet on those streets of gold. Your precious feet taking their first steps. I pray the moment I enter into Heaven my memory is filled with all the 'moments' I've missed with you. The sound of your baby giggles and the images of you toddling, arms open wide & the look of amazement on your face that you've done it.

It's just a day, a day that means more to me here on Earth than it surely does you. You are happier than this world can comprehend but how can I not think about how things would have been.. had you gotten the chance to stay.

The first year, we've nearly survived it. I constantly remember dates as they're passing. The day we found out we were pregnant, that you were a boy, and the Easter basket made just for you. I sat on my parents lawn big pregnant with you, the sun was warm and your sisters hunted down all the brightly colored eggs. I was just so happy to have you with me Lucas.

Lucas Egg
Buckley Five

Rylee (left) Raegan (right)

 Easter basket for Lucas

A year has brought so many changes, time is trying to wash away so much. Many days I look at Danny and say "it happened, we really did have a son."

I went back to work. And oh what a step. Images of you, images that you wouldn't always choose to be left with filled my mind as I walked in and out of rooms you once were in... It happened, we really did have a son.

And like so many things over the past year, the anticipation is so much worse than the actual moment.. but only by the grace of God and answered prayers can we see the light of hope with each new day

Thursday, March 1, 2012


Like the first blooms after a harsh winter..

Are the most beautiful blessings that would never have blossomed without the storms of life.

Only because of your short life Lucas am I blessed by..

..friendships with what were mere strangers, now rooted as deep as my soul can ache

..eyes to see my children for the growing souls that they are

..a greater love for my One and only Healer

..a gratefulness for knowing that after each dark winter, new creations rise under the warmth of this light

Just outside my front door

Monday, February 6, 2012


Time is healing.. The Lord uses it to heal, to teach

I am blessed by SO many amazing people

These two little girls light up my world.. and are the #1 cause of my grey hairs

I started running.. yes, actually running! Do you remember me in high school PE? (You don't? Oh yes, that's because I took every other class I could to avoid any athletic activity)

I miss my son

I am becoming more patient the longer I wait

My husband makes me laugh.. he is a goof & so am I

I learned a Hershey kiss is 20 calories.. totally worth it

I love to organize, just something about it makes me smile

My whole life has changed, and I want to keep growing (spiritually, not wide that is) every single day I am given :)

And I love to reflect on the fun times
Me & Danny
Laughlin, NV
My Birthday
August 2006

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year.. A NEW Year

This year comes with some excitement. A fresh start, a NEW year. A year of healing I'll call it.

I have been spending months praying for peace, praying for contentment and joy in the NOW. And thank you Lord for answered prayers. Though some days this is a repeated choice as opposed to something that easily comes to my heart.

So many exciting things to come this year.

We have 4 year olds, big girls, who love their princesses & dirt bike too. They want to marry their Daddy and love to cuddle. I cannot believe they'll start kindergarten this year.

I am starting Beth Moore's new study on James and am beyond excited. We have been challenged to write out the entire book of James and here's how it starts'..

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Thank you Lord for your teachings, for your words.. written for me.

Needles to say this NEW year brings a smile to my face.