Monday, October 24, 2011

The Butterflies

Lucas, since the day you left this Earth the butterflies have been everywhere. In those first few days I remember laying in the grass as your sisters played, my skin being warmed by the sun and the butterfly that hovered around us. It was as if he was dancing, fluttering between the girls and staying around long enough to be noticed. They continued.. I was stopped at a red light and at the very moment your song came on the radio the most beautiful butterfly hovered over my windshield. It was as if time stood still. The song played on with the words "I will praise the God who gives and takes away" and that butterfly kept dancing, joyfully.We went to the Sequoias, our most favorite place where we spread your ashes. There were butterflies all around us. They were scattered through the meadows and over the fresh water creeks. I had never remembered seeing a single butterfly there in the 25 years past.

I have shared with several people about the sweet butterflies and I call them your "little hellos." I decided to look up if there was anything about butterflies in scripture and the tears began to well up in my eyes. This is what I found..

The Butterfly - A Symbol of New Life

The change from a larva, a worm like creature, to a lifeless looking chrysalis, to the emergence of a magnificent, winged butterfly has often been used as a symbol of the resurrection.

We are earthbound creatures with limited views of what the future might bring. Christ promises us a new body which will not know the limitations we have now. The butterfly symbolizes this change from an earthbound creature into a new form.

Friday, October 21, 2011


We've been through so much, haven't we? So many moms have lost babies, early on or at the end. We have all suffered pain.

I got to chat with a mom last week that lost her sweet girl at 41 weeks. A complete stranger until our connection, our common ground, our common pain.

There is no feeling like sharing with someone who knows exactly what you are feeling. Whether the loss of a child, a parent, or something totally different but still a feeling of pain.

We can ask 'why?' and never fully know. For His plan is so different than ours.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.


I can begin to see the glimpse of an answer, a little insight into the big picture, as to why we each experience our own pain

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
 the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
  who comforts us in all our troubles,
 so that we can comfort those in any trouble with
 the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Let Lucas' life not be lost in vain. May I glorify the God of comfort and healing through which we are blessed.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Who made your mouth?

I have started the study Knowing and Doing the Will of God. Going into it I felt God already leading me towards His purpose. His purpose for all for all of this. For my job in Labor and Delivery, for the 8 week hospital stay during my pregnancy with Raegan and Rylee, for the loss of Lucas.

When I can see past the hurt and the darkness, when I can see past the grief, I get a glimpse of His plan.  His plan for me, and for each of us is so far beyond just us.

After having the girls I became bitter, I was mad at all the pregnant women who walked around not knowing what others suffer through. Not knowing that some spend months in the hospital.. and why God did we have to go through all this? Until my very first day back at work. There she was, a beautiful twin mom, in preterm labor, in my very same hospital room that I had just spent months in. She had already been there a month herself. I went in, I sat down and there was it was, this open door. A connection I would never have had otherwise, an opportunity for God that never would have existed unless I too had been in those exact shoes, that exact circumstance.

I began to see the picture, and I began to heal.

Then we have Lucas, and we lose him. I am sitting in a labor bed, with his lifeless heart and body inside me having these thoughts. A bit of God's vision. Aside from this extreme hurt, there are women He is going to use me to connect with, this is an opportunity for God that never would have existed unless I too have been in these exact shoes, this exact circumstance.

I have had it on my heart to speak. To speak to you, to many and to share His story. Sometimes it is so hard to tell the difference between our thoughts and God's. The study has been leading me into being able to tell the difference and obey. So I wanted to share a bit more in this journey.

Tonight I finished my study, packed up my things and could feel the Holy Spirit tell me to get my bible back out. I began to turn the pages in the direction I feel I'm being lead and am instantly brought to this

Acts 19:25
"Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent."