Thursday, September 22, 2011

A New Place

I can remember those first days, that first week, dreading the night, the darkness and the silence. Afraid of falling asleep because it would mean I would have to wake up and realize once again what has happened, that this is reality and not just all a terrible dream.

I remember the sun rising each morning and thanking God that it does, each and every day. Thankful for the light shining into the darkness of our room.

The last couple weeks I have felt different, I feel like I have come to a new place with it all. Moments are still frequently hard. It is almost as if I forget at times. But then a baby cries, a car seat strolls by or I hear someone say that word death, and I am brought back in an instant. But into that dark place, in the middle of Target, His light shines. Into the depths of my heart, the depths of the sorrow the light shines and the warmth heals, one day at a time.

Psalm 113:3
From the rising of the sun
to the place where it sets,
the name of the Lord is to be praised

Sunday, September 4, 2011

God's Strength

I had a really hard night last week. Being honest with some of my emotions brought me back to the wounds that busy days had me brushing past. I went into Lucas' room, sat on the floor and took in every detail. I looked at his clothes, his hand prints and all the reminders we have of him.

I felt shocked at how painful it all still felt, how deep and fresh this wound still is. I was surprised that in an instant the pain can feel as real as the moment we saw his heart lifeless on the ultrasound.


We went to the beach a few days later. Tractors worked to build up large sand berms in anticipation of even greater waves, bigger than their already tremendous size.

I sat atop a mountain of sand as the girls climbed up and down over and over. I watched in awe of the force of the waves and could literally feel the earth quake beneath me with each crashing of the waters.

Wave after wave they came, with such strength, such consistency, set in motion long before man ever stepped foot on this earth.

Genesis 1:9
And God said "Let the water under the sky be gathered in one place, and let dry ground appear. And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters "seas." And God saw that is was good.

The God that parted the seas, allowed the crippled to walk and brought the dead to life, is the same God that cares about every detail and decision in our lives. He can do anything..

A lesson I am learning is not only that God can do anything but that He is deserving of the same glory even when He chooses to do nothing.

God your plan is so much greater than mine. What better a planner than the One who knows the beginning, the end, and all the chapters in between.