Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Sequoias

I have been camping in the Sequoias since my very first camping trip at the age of two. My parents took me, my brothers and sister there in the summers. I have amazing memories going there as I grew up. Laughter at the picnic table, playing card games by lantern light, swimming in the lake and fishing (but never wanting to actually touch a fish).

Fact: A little (or a lot of) dirt never hurt
Me & my Daddy hiking the river                                         

Danny and his family spent many summers in this very same place and it had a special spot in both our hearts. We decided to take the girls here as their first BIG camping trip at 8 months old. If we survived that trip I think we can do just about anything. It didn't stop us and we have been back every summer since.





This year was supposed to be Lucas first trip, his very first time camping. Knowing my due date, we excitedly planned for months to bring our precious newborn to our very favorite place. We made special reservations and I envisioned our overflowing car packed with 3 car seats and all the baby gear one buys in hopes of a sleeping baby.

Proverbs 16:9
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

It was bittersweet going up there without him. Sitting in the front seat as we drove it was hard not to think about the little car seat I so badly wished was in the back row.

We cremated Lucas after his birth and the decision to spread his ashes or not laid heavy on our hearts over the past few months. With much prayer we decided this would be the only place we would like the last physical pieces of our son to be.

The Lord truly answered our prayers and prepared our hearts for this moment. Danny and I sat alone in a beautiful place. We read scripture and prayed.

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I can say now I feel good about our decision. It is another step on this road to healing. Thank you Lord for the beautiful earth you have created for us to enjoy, if this is how you have made the land I can't begin to imagine the sights of Heaven.

Friday, August 12, 2011


"You catch yourself doing things that a sane person wouldn't do, and yet it doesn't seem like there's another logical option. It's really a delicate balance between letting yourself grieve the way you need to and functioning in a world that keeps reminding you of what you have lost."
 - Angie Smith I Will Carry You

In the weeks after we lost Lucas I decided to return almost of all the gifts we had received for him. My intent is to keep all the gift cards in hopes of getting to use them someday for our next baby. Danny joined me for most of the returns, many people offered to do it for us but I found it to be 'a part of the process.'

I entered an adorable baby store to return one single outfit of Lucas's. This time without Danny,  just me and the girls. Before I brought it to the counter I circled the store and dreamingly stared at the most adorable, ruffled, pink little newborn outfit. I pushed my hopes aside, returned his outfit and left with a gift card.

I kept thinking of that little pink outfit, what chubby legs could fill it, and the sweet baby I could hold wearing it. I returned to the store, almost as if in disguise, not wanting anyone to know my thoughts, or what I was doing. I purchased the little ruffled adorable piece of goodness, and even asked for it to be gift wrapped. (Mean while the girls are tugging at my shirt asking who it is for). I plan to keep it wrapped, & at the time to keep it to myself, feeling that the world may just think I'm crazy.

I get home and as Danny and I are getting ready for bed, I blurt it out "I bought an outfit for a baby girl!" After a little laughter and a few tears we had the conversation that our next child will most likely be a girl. And if that day comes we will name her Faith.

So Faith, this outfit sits atop your brother's empty nursery dresser waiting for the day you can come to us and wear it.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

His Promises

Philippians 1:6

"Being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Lord, thank you for your promise. For your promise not to leave me here, not to be done with your work in me. So that I will not stay in this place of hurt and pain. Thank you for doing a good work in me. This is the hard part Lord, the difficult terrain on the path. I cry out for help, and even in the hardest of steps to take I will look ahead at your promises, knowing that the journey does not end here. There will be easier days and I will be healed one step at a time.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

What ya doing today Lucas?

I asked the girls recently what they thought brother might be doing in Heaven today. At the same time they wholeheartedly answered "learning!"

I read the book Heaven is For Real , it is a 3 year old child's account of Heaven. He was severely sick, with surgery and all, and woke up with a memory of visiting Heaven. Anyhow.. at one point after his dad has realized what his son is trying to tell him he asks Colton, "well what were you doing while you were in heaven?" and Colton answered "learning." He explained that Jesus was his teacher and he was learning. Now obviously my 3 year old girls have not read this book, nor did I prompt them in their response that Lucas was spending that day learning. It warmed my heart.

So what ya doing today my sweet boy?

Sisters said you are spending your day up in Heaven under a rainbow, helping to make rain. Hope you are having fun in the most beautiful of places. We love you!