Thursday, July 28, 2011

In My Dreams..

Oh Lucas, I held you in my dreams the other night. My beautiful baby boy. You were so warm in my arms, so alive! Your soft brown hair covered your precious head, and as I laid you back and cradled you in my hands, your beautiful green eyes looked deep into mine. A dream so real I could feel every second.

Your sister Rylee cries for you. At night before prayers she lays in her bed with her arms reached up to heaven, calling for you "brother, brother!" So we pray, we pray together that she can play with you in her dreams and see what you are doing way up there in that beautiful place.

I thank God for blessing my dreams.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

July 25, 2011

 On a day I thought few remembered and little found important... Blessings and love poured down like rain. It was Lucas' scheduled c/section date, the last day we would have had to wait to meet him. I found myself sad just in anticipation of this day approaching, knowing what it would have been.

The morning started off with a flower delivery, phone calls and messages came in from friends and family who shared their love for Lucas. Later more flowers & a package arrived with this beautiful picture frame made just for him. Along with the Willow Tree figurine perfectly entitled Guardian Angel.
 I wanted to do something special for Lucas on this day, something I could keep. So we made him a stepping stone (which I would love to place below a tree we plant for him). Daddy wanted to help so we waited until he got home.
 Daddy was able to recreate Lucas' little footprints for me & the girls put in all the stones.
I find myself just wanting to fill our home, our surroundings, with little details of Lucas, the memories we have of him. Thank you to my beautiful friends and family who let the love pour down on us!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What Would Have Been

This has been a hard month, filled with dates where Lucas would have been full term & come home with us. Throughout the entire pregnancy I reworked my whole future in my mind with him in it, anticipating every memory I wanted to make with him. I find myself not only grieving the loss of my son, the baby in my womb, but I am grieving the loss of each of those memories I would have made.

How your cry would have sounded in the operating room the moment you were born

How it would have felt to have you lay upon my chest, sleeping peacefully with your head on my shoulder

How you would have laughed that baby laugh as your sisters danced and made silly faces at you

How excited we would have been as you took your first steps

It goes on, the memories I wanted don't stop here. They come to mind at the most unpredictable of times and it is as if I mourn each of them individually.

God knew, God knew Lucas would never take a single breath here on earth. This was his plan for Lucas' life, for my life, since time began.

Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your request to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

And so I know Lucas that one day I will enter the gates of Heaven, I will hold you tight, I will hold your hand again, kiss your forehead, tell you I love you and .... never say goodbye again

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Never Say Never

I never thought my child's name would sit engraved on his urn. The name we spent months debating over, imagined yelling down the hall in full when we meant business, and I so lovingly said as I rubbed my growing pregnant belly.

I never thought hello would also be goodbye

I never thought praying for no NICU stay would mean no stay in this world at all

I never thought I'd be a part of such a painful club, a member of such sorrow

I never thought we'd be pregnant again but I so badly can't wait to be

I never thought this would be my story

Friday, July 1, 2011

My Heart

Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"

I have seen a heart in the open chest of a man. Not beating but red with life as surgeons repaired each delicate vessel that fed it. He lied there cold, still, waiting to be fixed, healed and turned into a new man. But first the new vessels must be taken from another part of his body, but first a sacrifice, whether willing or unwilling, taken from his body.

I feel broken, even empty and cold at times.. I need to be still as the ultimate surgeon works, as He repairs my heart. With the purpose of turning me into a better woman, with more life, more love, more faith and more hope being fed into my heart. All of this wouldn't be happening without first being broken, without pain and without a sacrifice being taken from my womb.