Saturday, February 25, 2017

I write this to the 26 year old me.

If I could whisper in the ear of the 26 year old me I'd say "you're gonna be ok."

I can see myself, just a month after this picture, face down on that empty nursery floor. Still swollen belly, footprints and newborn clothes spread out. Because something needed to show me this was real. Even if it hurt, I needed to know he wasn't a dream, he was real.

I'd tell myself you're gonna be ok. You're gonna make the right choice Lyndsey. Let your faith grow. Believe His plans for you are good. I know it's hard to see that this could ever turn to good.

One day you'll see young mama. You'll see it come around. And your heart will be healed. You're gonna help someone mama. Someone just like you and you'll see those prayers you're praying, may this not be in vain, be answered.

Find your strength in Him, his word is true, you'll see young mama. Before time began, this was the story for you.

Monday, August 15, 2016

For you Mommy

I write this for you mommy.

Mommy of a baby in heaven.

Because if you're anything like me, like I was 5 years ago, it's 2a.m. and you're searching for hope. Searching for answers, for direction, for the "and then what." You have so many questions, if you're anything like me.

I wanted to hear from other women, other women who had lost a child and walked this road with faith. I found a few, who shared their journey of their days and months of their first year beautifully and were so raw but as time marched on they each fell away, leaving questions of my broken heart unanswered.

So here I return for you, Mommy, of a baby in heaven. Here were my questions when I was you, and here are the answers that 5 years have brought me.

Will it ever get better?
     It will, but more than your circumstance will change YOU will change. I pray your faith will grow, Jesus will show you his promise that His plans for you are good and you will believe that with your whole heart.

Will having another baby fix my pain?
      I had two overwhelming feelings in my heart. One was a tremendous amount of grief for the son that we lost and the second was my incredible desire to have a baby. To carry a living, kicking, growing baby in my womb that would cry, that I could nurse and bring home to sleep on my chest. The incredible blessing of having another child filled the second of my emotions, not my broken heart for Lucas.

    Time marched on ready or not. In those beginning months I never looked at 9:40am on the clock without thinking of his birth, his song couldn't play on the radio without me sobbing and I looked at every 25th of the month with sadness and remembrance of being that much further away from his memory.
    Years pass ready or not, and though memories of his life and especially birth have not faded one bit, the occurrence that they overwhelm me with emotion, with sadness are fewer. I can say that there are days, maybe even weeks that I don't even think of him. It hurts me to write those words but it's the truth of time, of busyness, of life.

I pray for you Mommy, of a baby in heaven, I pray you find your answers in Jesus, and healing comes from his words. Amen.

Lucas's Mommy Lyndsey

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

His Feet

His feet.. my favorite picture was of his feet.. It's not a picture of tragedy to me but a glimpse of the precious boy he was.

I would pray, every night, that I could hold him once more, see him once again.. God granted me some beautiful dreams that still bring me to tears today. One of them was of Lucas' feet in the incredible gardens of heaven. His little toes standing atop those luscious grounds that I too I can not wait to walk on one day.

Its been almost 3 years, and I write this for you. The mom that I was, desperately searching for hope in the dead of night and depth of sorrow. I hated that women seemed to disappear in the middle of their journeys and I was left with so many questions. Does time heal? Does another child help ease the pain?

Praise the Lord for his healing, for his perfect, oh so perfect, timing. Yes it begins to heals, yes it starts to ease and yes it helps. Gabriel is an incredible blessing in our lives, one that we waited so so long for, our 4th child and a pure joy. We are better parents because of Lucas, we can love deeper than ever before.

Gabriel's little foot prints reminded me of his brother, not with a sorrowful heart but one of joy and gratitude for all we have learned and all we have been given.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


I don't even want to say it, that word 'fear'. It doesn't deserve a place here, a place in my life, a place in my heart, what a waste it is.

But what a temptation it is. A temptation to be fearful, paralyzingly fearful.

It was just months after Lucas died that we were sitting in a Sunday service at church. The scripture of the sermon was one I had memorized over 10 years prior.

1 Corinthians 10:13
   No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Fear is a temptation and God will provide a way out from it.. through Him.

It wants to paralyze me, it wants to rob me of the blessings of each moment and each day to come. I can feel it hunting me at times, trying to consume me and fill my mind with the nightmares we have lived through.

Fear does not glorify God.


We had the most beautiful day. We saw one of the most beautiful children who's heart has ever beated and that child is ours.

It was so obvious the ultrasound tech tried to hide HIS little parts on the screen. But there HE was for us to see, and to hear those words "it's a boy!" felt like a dream.

We giggled and laughed and cried then repeated.. We had lunch in celebration and spread his beautiful pictures out all over the table as we sat together.

We went and bought those impractical little things that just said BOY. What a moment Lord, what a blessing, and you gave them to us.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Buckley SIX!!

I have dreamed about writing these words for nearly a year, and now no words perfect enough come to mind. But here goes..

We are PREGNANT!!!

We are PREGNANT with ONE beautiful blessing, there is one beautiful heart beating in my womb and what an incredible (exhausting & nauseous) joyful feeling it is.

A package "arrived" on the porch to tell Danny of our GREAT news.

                              A very surprised Papa                                               A very excited Mama

So then, how do you tell everyone else???

Well we were just packing up to head to our favorite of places, the Sequoias. And what better way than to catch the announcement in a picture. All of the kids knew already but look at my Mom, Dad & Sister-in-law!

Isn't that fun?? We sure thought so!

I have to ask you.. Will you please pray?? Pray for a healthy baby, a baby that comes home to us. Oh if you could hear Raegan and Rylee's sweet prayers for this baby.

Matthew 18:19-20

“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Friday, May 25, 2012

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Lucas!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, your Sissy's sent up your cupcakes and we decorated your balloons.

The day didn't go as I had envisioned, it was freezing and the wind had gusts up to 40mph, but really how should a day like this go anyway.

I am very thankful however that we got to be together as a family here on earth as we celebrated and remembered you.

Your birthday announcement came the week prior. I opened it and there your name was with so many others and I cried. I cried like I hadn't in so many months, like I did in those first days and weeks. It reminded me of how real this all was and all still is.

There is a place for you here, in so many of our hearts.

I am so thankful to all of you who joined in a Random Act of Kindness in Lucas honor and thank you to all who took the extra time to share with us in your gift.

  • Countless homeless received breakfast and coffee
  • Unsuspecting families had their meals paid for in the drive thru with a note attached
  • Others had meals bought and delivered to their homes
  • Many desserts and pastries were made and given joyfully
  • Complete strangers learned of your little life and took a moment to say how moved they were by your story
  • Toys were donated to children @ a learning center
  • Some even gave the gift of forgiveness
  • A donation was made in your honor to our favorite of places, Sequoias National Park, the place we spread your ashes
  • A star was named after you as well
My mom shared with me the story of her day on May 25th, she awoke with you in mind Lucas and prayed that God would show her who needed to receive the act of kindness. As she sat at a red light, she noticed the car in front of her had this as their license plate. Thank you Mom for chasing the car down to get a pic.

Monday, May 14, 2012

You're Invited

Oh how I wish I was mailing out invitations. Invitations to a birthday I had planned for months. What kind of cupcakes, what would the theme be, imagining that smashed birthday cake picture, with frosting all over his face and a big 4 tooth grin behind it.

It is still a moment to celebrate, a day to remember, just in such a different way.

Would you help me that day, May 25th? Help us remember our Lucas? Help us bring a smile to this Earth?

I saw this idea about 6 months ago and wanted to use it. Along with eating Lucas' favorites.. Double Doubles at In-n-out of course.. I want to do a Random Act of Kindness. Spread a little joy, ya know?

Buy the person behind you their coffee at Starbucks, load someones groceries into their trunk, mow your neighbors lawn, what ideas do you have??

You could even print & attach this adorable little card, you know I will.

In memory of our Lucas Michael, would you send me a little note if you decide to participate? A quick email telling me of your super kind act? I'd love to write it down in his journal, all this world did to remember him and pass on a smile.

Thank you for loving us and our sweet son so much.